We all talk to each other but how many of us really listen? In a world that craves connection, real conversations are more important than ever, but it can be hard if you lack good listening skills. It all starts with being present and focusing.
To be a good listener, you need to be an active one. What does that mean? Well...
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The good news is that anyone can learn to be a better listener. Here are 5+1 ways to drastically improve your listening skills! (The +1 is my absolute favorite and I'll explain why)
1. Give Verbal Cues
When someone is talking, repeat what they said. It assures them that their words matter and you're engaged in the conversation.
One way to do that is by repeating the last few words or key ideas of what someone just said. You can also do this to direct the attention back to your conversation partner after some interruption or break. "So, you were saying that your boss wanted to talk to you on Thursday."
Another way is to use the YOU more than I - that is, don't be self-centered. You're not the only person in the room.
If you can't do it or it would feel forced, you can also use simpler cues:
Using verbal cues can help the person understand you truly care for them. Failing to do that, you might give the impression that what they have to say is not interesting.
2. Non-Verbal Body Cues Matter Too
If possible, pay attention to who is talking by facing them and looking them in the eyes. It helps you stay focused on them and what they’re talking about.
Besides, you show your partner respect and you don't make them feel like the TV or your phone's screen is more important than them.
In many cultures, not looking into your conversation partner's eyes is considered offensive, or gives the impression that you couldn't care less about their side - you only care about yours. This is especially important in arguments.
Be careful: in some, usually Eastern cultures, you should never look in some people's eyes!
3. Cut Out the Distraction
Who doesn't get distracted every once in a while in our busy world?
Take our constant companions: our phones. One ring or a pop-up on the screen and you’re out. But when someone is talking to you, that's the opposite of what you want.
Put your phone away and you’ll become a better listener instantly. Do the same for your TV and similar distractions. Lower the volume, switch off, put on standby- there are many options to try.
As much as the 21st century person loves to say "Don't worry, I'm good at multi-tasking", the truth is - no, we aren't. Even if it seems like we are.
Studies have shown that when we do two tasks at ones (unless none of them require special attention, like listening to a song while driving in low traffic), we can't give our best to either of them, and we waste a lot of time constantly trying to pull ourselves back to focus mode.
One of the greatest books I've ever read about the topic of multitasking (and why it's actually a myth that ruins your productivity) is The One Thing by Gary Keller.
4. Listen Completely, Not Half-Assed
Don’t just take away chunks of information that you find interesting, and interrupt someone before they finish talking. Listen all the way.
Respect their perspective, even if you disagree. Listening completely with patience is a sign of a good and active listener.
Your conversation partner will notice, if you're only half-there. You may not have your phone in front of you, but it's easy to let your mind wonder even when you're looking someone in the eye.
Many of us grow up with the tendency to think about our own response while the other person is speaking, instead of being fully present and focusing, with the only goal to understand the other person.
While this is common, it won't make connection easier. Besides, if you listen to your own thoughts instead of what the other person is saying, don't be surprised if an hour later you can't remember half of the conversation!
5. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask
If you don’t understand something, don’t leave the person hanging. Don’t hesitate to ask them to make things clear.
Questions are always better than assumptions. You may not want to ask a question because it's embarrassing to admit that you weren't listening or you don't want them to think you're 'slow'. But, if the other person thinks that you understood everything, and then later it turns out you don't have all the information, it's way worse!
Clarify with your partner to make sure you're on the same page, you know what they mean, how they mean it and how they feel about what they said. Not only will it help you avoid awkward situation, but this is a wonderful way to get someone know better.
You can ask open questions too. Open questions are all about the ‘WHYs’, ‘HOWs’, 'WHEREs' and ‘WHATs’. These can bring up new and interesting topics. Remember to let the other person finish their train of thought first though!
+1. Meditate For Better Listening Skills
While it's not an immediate fix like the others, this one is golden if you want to improve your listening skills.
One of the reasons I started mediation back in 2017 because I became aware of the fact that I was a terrible listener. I was the typical "thinking about my own response while the other is talking" or started thinking about something totally irrelevant. And then I was surprised I couldn't recall what the other person was taking about.
Granted, it took more than a few conscious moments to notice improvement in my listening skills, but soon enough, I truly became a better listener. Now, people enjoy talking to me more and feel safer with me, and I feel more connected to them and remember more.
Regular mediation improved my self-awareness, so I now notice when my listening skills decline. And now I know what to do about it!
What regular meditation teaches you is to:
Even 5 minutes of daily mindful focused attention can greatly improve your listening skills and your ability to stay present. Regular meditation can literally change your brain. (Ever heard of neuroplasticity?) It's truly a miraculous tool!
By following the above, you can improve your listening skills in no time. Your loved ones will certainly thank you for it.